Michelob Ultra Lime Cactus

Part two in the two-part series of “things I do for you people.  For science.”

Basic Info:
Name:
 Michelob Ultra Lime Cactus
Origin: Anheuser-Busch, Inc., St. Louis, MO
Style: American Lite Beer
ABV: 4.0%
IBU: not available, but let us not kid ourselves.  There are no hops in this.
Calories: 95
Carbs:  5.5 g
Protein:  0.5 g
Fat: 0.0g
I drank this: at home, from a bottle, with a bendy straw.

This stuff smells like SweetTarts.  Maybe even lime SweetTarts.  Not cactus.  Having smelled it, I was able to present it like this:

Let the fail (part two) begin!.

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<— notice skeptical, but not quite as alarmed face as I had when I was trying the Raspberry Pomegranate flavor.

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And then I tried it, hoping for a better experience than I had with the Raspberry Pomegranate.  It wasn’t:

I hate everything.

.

.

I have never hated everything on the planet so much as I hated it at this exact moment.

.

.

.

So, the flavor.  It tastes like lime, then aspartame (yay artificial sweetener!), and then coconut. 
Specifically coconut-scented suntan lotion.  If cactus tastes like what I think cactus tastes like, there was none of that up in here.  So: lime first, then coconut suntan lotion.  Very distinct taste in two parts.

Or, as my Dad said, “Corona with lime tastes infinitely better than this crap.”
Or, my Mom: “This would pair well with shitty tacos.”
Or, my brother: “This leaves my happiness mortally wounded.”

I.e., family concensus was that the Lime Cactus is definitely better than the Raspberry Pomegranate (which, admittedly, is setting the bar low).  I think this is due to the aftertaste, that lingering reminder of recently-swallowed horror.  The aftertaste of Lime Cactus, while consisting of the aforementioned coconut suntan lotion flavor, isn’t as powerfully FAIL-filled as was the Raspberry Pomegranate’s aftertaste of burning Strawberry Shortcake doll.

This is when the stomachache started.

Remember the picture that demonstrates how fizzy this stuff is?  This one?

Platinum-grade burp fuel, this.

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I mean, look at the bubbles that collected all over the straw.  Not even Coke can pull that level of bubbliness off.

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That carbonation is EVIL.  My Mom managed to produce some truly epic burps, burps of the quality that would allow a frat boy (or anyone else with a similar mindframe) to burp out the entire alphabet should they so desire.

If you can’t burp well (or at all, in my case), then you just get a stomachache.  A terrible horrible no-good very-bad stomachache.  A stomachache so bad that I was left staring quizzically at the bottle, wondering at the genesis of such failure:

How oh how is it that you exist?.

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<– notice the bottle level.  I had roughly two sips of this when the stomachache began in earnest.

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PAIN, I say unto you, PAIN.

And then Mom attempted (for reasons known only to herself) to induce a hangover by mixing the two.  It looked identical to the carbonation-photo glass shown above – really, really fizzy and very yellow.  It smelled like aspartame and SweetTarts and tasted of fake beer, some malt (the only time malt made an appearance during the entire experience), and lime/raspberry artificial flavoring (also the only time raspberry made an appearance during the entire experience – the Raspberry Pomegranate flavor tasted specifically of strawberries rather than raspberries.  Or pomegranates).  My reaction to the combination was this:

Make it stop.  NOW..

mustnotvomitmustnotvomitmustnotvomit

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BAD.  It is BAD.  I’m pretty sure this combination originated from the same bowel of hell as the scent of cat pee.  Even the creators of flavored Michelob Ultra couldn’t have intended for this to happen.

This is the point when I decided that, for science or not, I couldn’t take it any more.  I reached for the 1554 clone and took my reward sip.  Like I said in an earlier post, due to the combination of all the failflavoring of the Michelob Ultras (natural, as they claim, or otherwise), the end result was a sip of 1554 that tasted precisely and exactly like CELERY.  I ended up laughing so hard that beer almost came out my nose…

In the name of science, I don't understand what's happening..

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…the laughter continuing as I attempted to sniff the Michelobfail once again, trying to establish what the hell had just happened to my tastebuds.

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I spent the rest of the evening curled up in a tight ball, reading Kiersten White’s Paranormalcy and praying to the Flying Spaghetti Monster to help me burp.  I gather Mom spent the rest of the night puke-burping, but I’m not sure.  I was in too much pain to do any real investigation.

To sum up once and for all:  don’t try this at home.

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About Kim

Kim spends a lot of time writing, thinking about writing, reading, writing more and dealing with writer's block. When she's not writing, she might be found having a beer. She often combines the writing experience with the beer experience. The combination tends to lead to more creativity but significantly impaired spelling.
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9 Responses to Michelob Ultra Lime Cactus

  1. Jen says:

    The photos make this my favorite blog you’ve written to date!

    But now…review some blonds and pilsners for me so I know what else I should try.

  2. Sarah B. says:

    I seem to remember reading something at somepoint about you hearing that something is awful, and then wanting to try it. 😉 I find myself even more curious about these horrors after reading about this experiment.

  3. Meghan says:

    I absolutely love your facial expressions in these posts!

  4. When I started reading Part One, I seriously considered trying one or both of the “beers” myself. After finishing Part Two, I am leaning towards OH HELL NO.

    Also, Kiersten White is my cousin!

  5. Kim says:

    Jason, I have a shameless fangirl crush on your cousin. And her book. Which was awesome and hysterical and wonderful. She had a blog contest going to have people take pictures of themselves reading her book and I was planning on entering but ended up afraid that my general gassy unpleasantness might somehow show through that evening and her book is way too awesome for that.

    In other news, this has gone well enough that I’m thinking I may have to dig up some Dragonfruit Peach Michelob Ultra, if there’s still any to be found.

    Jen, if you ever trip over it, get yourself a Victory Golden Monkey. If they sell it in your state. Otherwise I’ll dig around and see what comes up.

  6. Kim's Mom says:

    I did NOT attempt to induce a hangover. I attempted to induce the slightest of buzzes to see if it was possible. It wasn’t. I still can’t explain the sudden infusion of Frat Boy that made me grab a bottle, chug it, slam it on the table, and rattle the polish off my toes with a heretofore unheard of belch. Damn thing almost knocked me off my recently fixed knee…
    WARNING: This stuff is capable of making you do things you’d never consider doing. It toggled the switch on my inner Frat Boy. Thankfully, the resulting burp toggled it back off. Beware. You’ve been warned.

  7. I was less than excited to try this beer, especially after this awesome review and seeing the price per 6pk at the store. however, I got a sixer of it last night and really liked it. I went back for two more 6pks and by the end of the night had consumed 16. Today, no headache or tummy trouble.

  8. Kim says:

    Chris, you’re not the first person that I’ve heard of who liked the Lime Cactus flavor (I’ve not talked to ANYONE who liked the Raspberry Pomegranate yet). I figure to each his own and that tastes differ quite a bit, so everyone should drink what they enjoy. On the other hand, I have to say I’m floored by your ability to drink 16 of them in one night – my stomach would have exploded from carbon dioxide buildup well before I made it through even one six pack.

  9. HA HA HA!!
    Yeah, even just the name “Raspberry Pomegranate” makes me gag a little. No desire to try it at all.

    16 is a little bit more than I usually drink in a night for sure, but it seemed like every time I would go for my 2nd or 3rd drink from one, it was almost gone……maybe they evaporate quickly? :^)

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